Ending of summer.

awe, summers ending slowly. i can even feel it in the breeze (: but this summer has been satisfying to me, in a way i wish some drama didn't happen, but it did anyway (x but cheers to a new year, with a new mind and a new approach. i'm pretty excited for soph year, i don't wanna jinx myself but i have good vibes about this. summer ending makes me sad though, this was packed with it's good memories, and bad as well. but still, this was a life changing summer for me, that's fersure. ooh, and just when i think summer had it's bad ending, "someone" comes along my way and turns it around. but he just has no idea he did. and hopefully, as the year moves along, that'll progress. i hope... (: hehe. cause in all honesty, i have good vibes about chu too boyyyy. but you just don't even know it, at all.

but anyways, i'm not gonna update on this anymore. maybe one day i'll come back, haha i guarantee i'm gonna come back in like december and laugh at myself with these posts. but hey, this is exactly why i do them. to look back and smile :) goodbye blogspot, you've been good to me :) haha.

Impossible

I never thought once in the 2 and a half years we shared it would come down to this. All that I replay in my head is the thought of how it was impossible to separate us. It was impossible to be without each other. Now, it's impossible to be with each other. I don't worry too much anymore, but I can't help but still wish it didn't go this way. What happened to us coming up after every fight, every break up ? What happened to the fact that we actually wanted to keep our relationship strong. We've become so weak, you don't even wanna try anymore. I still remember how the strength of our relationship meant so much to us. I still can clearly remember smiling to you, to myself, or to anyone explaining our relationship as "thru thick & thru thin". What the ef happened ? I miss that way too much. It's clear as water, I still miss you but then again, I can't. Because you're not the same. You don't even try. I only miss it when you & I would fight together to make sure we were still strong & happy. We disagreed to agree. Not agree to disagree. I'm nowhere near sure, I'm lost to what's happened to us. I know, we're both living our lives, doing what we do. You're doing you & I'm doing me. Yeah, I know that already. I'll be fine, just needa' let go, that's all !

"now we disconnected, i thought we was different be we
aint no acception. late night texts' keep us arguin'. used to be
running through my mind, now you're joggin'. now your just walking,
footsteps lightly; till they start to fade away and all i hear i silence.
fuck every here and there but i feel no attachment. used to be a
mazing, dont know how that happened. used to say i love you, and i
would really mean it. now im just sitting thinking trying to comprehend
the meaning"
Heartbreak Collision - Dolla

a different kind of pain.

i`m back in this game again , and i always get hurt . wtf ? seriously . i can only take so much . it`s getting annoying , but i`m still upset . i regret it , but as far as i see it i could`ve either let you continue to make me feel unappreciated it , or just let you go . idk if you learn , you`re always gonna be the same stubborn boy i`ve known since 3 years ago . but all i know is you`re something . this relationship for once in a long ass time (& i mean long) actually meant to much to me , weird enough . this one actually got me believing this was it , it felt right . still does , but you always gotta do something don`t you ? just that special something . i`m out . " i mean shit , i`m only 15 & a perfect couple only exists in a dream "

too much !

has happened from when i last updated . la la la , too lazy to put into words and my computers still broken . and NOW , as of yesterday i`m celly deprived because it finally broke in half on me . now , i have to wait like 2 weeks . but on the plus side , i can get a brand spankin` new phone , cos mother said my plan expires on the 25th . YAAAY ! (: i`m so happy . hmm , summer`s been pretty darn good . that`s all i can say , summer 09 is treating me fairly well . almost over tho , and sophy year here i come ! updated whenever . oh and i`m attempting to save for a laptop . note , attempting . HAHA . payce !

the way we used to be.

it`s pouring, lightning, & thundering outside. and it`s 5:04 AM. i think for the first time in my life i`m gonna pull of an all nighter. i can`t seem to get my mind straight, so i guess i`ll just hit up loserboii & find a song to suit my mood. i`m so "dissapointed" i guess i could put it. i had you, then all of a sudden you`re out of my reach. you`re right there, but it feels like you`re on the other side of the world. it hurts hella bad. one of the worst feelings is having exactly what you wanted in your grasp, and then it`s snatched right away from you. i`m clueless up at this point, i don`t really know what to do or how to feel. i just want everything back to how they once were, i hate how it all got so complicated. i just wanted me & you, together, happy. but i guess things can`t always be that way, hm ? the days i`ve been waiting for, or hoping for, finally come & i`m happier than ever. i mean, everyone could tell. you could see it so clear on my face. & then it`s just gone, again. it hurts so fucking bad, i gotta admit, it really fucking kills. explaining why i`m up, and i guarantee i`ll be up all morning now. i can`t sleep.. ):

my babyboy & some annoyance.

official, with baby (: 072109 <3 i love you, & i've missed you. glad we`re back to how it`s suppose to be <3

mmmKAY. so wow, for one thing, my computer has been broken. stupid jambo looked up porn and fucked my computer. i haven`t had one for like 3 weeks now, freal. wherever i go that has a computer, i`m using it hahah ! (: but it`s whatever, i`ve been out a lot. i`ve learned that the computer is shit haha, i can survive without it. but i do prefer to have one. damn, last last week movies with rhea <3 saw my sister`s keeper ): sad shit. then a few days later, movies with baby, saw ice age ! :D hehehe such a cute movie. basically yeah i`ve been occupied. it`s summer ! i`m lovin` life y`know. tennis practice every wednesday. UGH, was suppose to hit up sixflags all day today but decided to cancel cause of the weather. shit ! but haha it`s okay, going thursday. tommorrow practice -_- grawr. so all in one lil` paragraph, yeup, that`s been my summer haha. just out out out. and right now, at the best`s house <3 summers been going by way too fast, back to school again before we know it. fuck ! haha.

and as a last note, you fucking annoy me lil kehd. idc, don`t fucking text me or comment me, damn sucking up. i can`t stand your lil ass, get a fucking life. expect my brother to pick you up ?! excuse me, my family has no idea who the hell you are and i`m out first of all, and you want me to ASK my brother to pick YOU up ?! you`re a mess haha, damn don`t even talk to me. see you in high school lil one ! decues, be back whenever ! summer summer summer.

summer nights

are my absolute faves` <3 mmmm. i love the night time during summer, i'd sleep outside if i could. hah :) i love just sitting on my diving board, just chillin` bahah. it`s weird, i ain`t your typical (but what`s new). a lot of people love the sun, they`ll have their ipods on them & just lay out in the sun. me ? naaaw. i like the night ! haha i`ll be the one laying out in the moon, whattttt what. haha ! i`m just a night time person i guess. on a second note, i hate when 2 big events happen on the same day. but i don`t break no promises, whatever was planned first i`ll go to. gah, saturday. but whatevs ! it`s all good, i`ll be with my Keithers :) & on a third note, i LOVE my sister. i can`t lie, where would i be without her. i`ve always known i loved her, but there are days where i can`t imagine what my life would be like without her. plus, how would i deal with the stress my mama gives me. she`s there for me, maybe has the wackiest of advice, but no matter what she`s there. i tell her everything, not one thing i don`t tell her on this damn earth haha. i lab you sista sista ! ♥

miss you crazy, crazy. i mean, us.

sometimes, i forget how it`s not that i miss you, i miss us. us, and what we once were together. don`t get it twisted, i`m glad we`re friends :) yeah, but, friends ? when just about 5 months ago we were about 2 years and some months into our relationship ? oh yeah, you know, when we were once upon a time in the strongest relationship. yep, that`s right, it was me & you baby. i tend to get into deep thought whenever it crosses my mind. our laughter, the kisses, the kisses through the phone, the hugs, the piggyback rides, surprises. everything. we had it all. looking back, we were just the best of friends. i always told you, "you`re not just my boyfriend, you`re my best friend", time after time i told you that. whether it was on the phone, or when i was right in your arms. which is the one place i used to always do anything to be in, hah. sometimes we take a risk when we fall in love. when you & i broke apart, a friendship was somehow lost. regardless if we`re talking now, i know it`s not the same. it was the friendship that was also bonded by the love we had created, and the love that grew stronger month by month. yes we got into shit, but what healthy relationship didn`t ? i had the jealousy issues, you knew it, causing you to hide things from me because you thought it`d hurt my feelings. oh boy, it goes on. i can`t describe the feeling or emotion i get when i remember our past relationship and basically what we had. it`s a mix of happiness, aggrevation, annoyance, & joy. but more than that, it kinda makes me sad. i miss us, you just don`t know. there`s a difference here. it`s not that i`m asking to be with you, right here and now. no. i want the past. not now. our past relationship is what i miss, not just wanting to be with you anytime. i know you don`t think about it the same time i do, but i know you think about it. it`s weird to say, but we grew up together. watched eachother grow, and mature. you, from you're 8th grader self, and me, from my little 6th grade phases. although we are 2 years apart, age ain`t nothing but a number. from the time i had no braces, to getting them on, then getting them off, you`ve been around. i still remember people planning our "wedding" for us. heh, i was what, in 7th grade ? & you were a freshman. we had the "ninangs" & "ninongs" asking for their place for our future child and wedding. WTF ! haha :) oh, what a life it was back then. the friends we had, the people that surrounded us. and the people that were inspired by our relationship. yep, i still recall our relationship proving to people that love did exist, and no matter the troubles one relationship consisted of, if the bond was really meant to be there, you could get through any obstacle. but who am i to say that now ? it`s been a long time since our relationship. i miss it though, i miss it more than anything. it hurts so bad sometimes, that we lost it all. the 2 and a half years, all broken apart. as monica once told me, "yeah, it sucks. the bridges 2 people built, and then it all just, falls apart".

Beauty & some fashion talk!

haha, i feel like talking about some beauty products and the one celebrity that i've officially been inspired by. who ? JESSICA ALBA ! dun dun dun..

i love it! it's very vintage-y. for some reason, i started seeing myself fall out of the whole "miss glamorous" style more and more. i go for patterns, some plaid, or anything vintage looking. ripped shorts are the best. but yet i need to buy myself a pair! haha :) i will will. AND those big sunglasses, yesyes. i have red ones, and brown ones. i'm getting there :D but yes, miss alba! i'm INLOVE with her style. in the last picture, it sucks she's biting her hands but i LOVE her hair. she's always wearing scarves. i'm over the pin straight hair look, i LOVE waves :) plus, less work for me :) muwahah.

so i found out about this cream, called eyekos 3-in-1 cream! it's a highlighter, and i plan to order it to mix with my moisturizer. they say it works really good that way :) & they say kylie minogue uses it. sweet! a definite plus. i'll order it if i don't win the giveaway on makeupforlife.net. hahaha, what would be the chances anyway, there's like hundreds of people that commented -_- bah! but whatever.

other than that, life has been boring. played some tennis with jr on monday, and brought rhea ! haha chill day, although you know how MOST OF US filipino girls don't want to turn brown, so the major sunny day was used as a disadvantage to us while on the courts. but then jr took us to the mall :) next time he's treating us to eat! haha lab you jay err <3 anyways.
yeh. i like you, a lot kid. i don't know why, but i think i do, i think you took the words out of my mouth that night. for some reason, we "belong with eachother" haha nah. that sounds corny and obsesssive, what i mean is, no matter how much we'll fight. whatever. we know we always wanna end up talking to eachother. those 3 months have taught us a lot, both of us. went out with different people and learned even more. some people would look at that as a weakspot. for a moment in time i did too between you & i, but then again i saw it was a test almost. not even, i can't explain it, but i no longer look at it as a weakspot. we're talking now, for awhile now, and i'm glad :) i feel comfy now, good. being without you didn't quite feel right, although i tried my best to make it so. some days in those 3 months i was okay, then i'd break down again. main point, i just wanted to say how relieved and happy i am we finally ended up talking again. damn, i could've sworn my eyeballs were ready to fall out of my face when i saw i had texts and missed calls from you. i couldn't believe it, 3 months without talking, nothing, and one night i see all of it. haha, i'll never forget the feeling i felt when i saw that shit on my phone. and ever since then, it's been good. but as of now, you're camping in VA and didn't talk to me >_< grrrr. haha whatever. hmm hmm bestie is coming back tommorrow, or today, but YAY! :) missed her.

What a weekend.

Alright, so I've been laggin' it on the updates. I've just been tired, and lazy I guess. This week has been boring. I'd love to replay last weekend, love love being with the entire fambam. Sister's wedding was amazing :) Hahah it was quite interesting. In "celebration" after the wedding and going to the reception in the limo, my brother literaly made the limo driver stop by the liquor store HAHA :) Patrone patrone patrone, my bro g0t the coffee one tho. A lil strong, but satisfying :) Then when we got to the reception, the bridal room literaly slipped my mind from months ago when my sister was booking the place. So when my sister said, "OK guys, to the bridal room!" I was like, huh. BUT, then I remembered haha. Filled with more drinks, cheese, HAHA cheese. Idk I <3 cheese. But then in more celebration, some pineapple vodka, then some other drink, haha damn ! I felt a lil buzzed, great for a reception. Then I stuck with my fruity mojitos :d Fave ! Mine and my partner's grand entrance was the shiiiiiit, my sis has good taste in music, she picked I Know You Want Me by Pitbul, SHIT ! HAHA the best !! Hopefully when those pics come in, I'll post 'em up. Mmmm then after the wedding, chilled, A.C (of course..), Philly, parties, mm. I miss em already ! See em again in 3 years, when my bro gets married, by then I'll be done with H.S and be on the road ! Uh-oh...HAHAHA ! Pictures :)

Haha, so much more, too lazy, they're all on my facebook anyways. Great weekend, I'd replay it if I could haha ! Ugh, I think my brother comes back from jail today. Unfair, it hasnt even been a full month ! I PRAY and HOPE and WISH he wont be coming back for a long long long time. I just keep hoping right now. On the other hand, I know how to do a magic trick ! I can make a coin dissapear then re-appear :D Woohoo ! <3

Wait, get your facts straight yeah?

These past blog entries come quite obvious that it's about a stupid boy. MOST people can tell who it is, if you know me. But honey, it ain't to you. You, as in the one I only went out with for a week. I don't mean to offend you, but sweetie I ain't stressin' ONE bit over you. I'll admit yeah, I think, you were a waste. Cute, good looks, sweet swag, but you just couldn't handle who I was or how I am. And I felt tied down when I was with you, plus it's like you don't know how to respect. Pushin' my sister who has a child to take me out? If you can't respect my family, sure as hell I won't have any respect for you. But truthfully, I haven't blogged 'bout your ass since..since..damn! Uh, hahaha! I blogged about you on here but I deleted them when we broke it off. Naw..naw. Nope nope nope! Ahah, so anyways!

Lifes been aiiight. It's finals week, so major studying. This is the time where you regret, as in you could've studies a lil' harder, tried a lil harder, blah blah. I'm good at school, I just get lazy -_- Shit. Haha thats alright. Just gotta get 'em over with!

Now, to the real situation..I can't stand you sometimes. Yeah I'll bring up the past, I will, why? Because I've dealt with the pain your problems have given me. The hurt, the tears, yeahh. And then you get mad at me, annoyed, saying all I do is bring up problems. Well hows it feel, you brought up problems for me too when you did that shit! Yeah, never realized it like that huh. Thats what I hate 'bout you, you just don't get it. If I dealt with it time after time, especially since you know you've done wrong countless of times, I thought you could deal with me just bringing it up. Wow, I guess not. Whatever, that's just worthless to me. I'm out, deuces.

That's what I get

When I let my heart win. "Woah oh ooh oh oh"
Hahahaa :)

Nah. But I've come to some of my realizations. Sometimes, following your heart is just coming from missing someone, or missing a significant other, or missing what used to be. That's why you feel like your heart is yelling at you, saying, "go back to him, he's the one" - wrong. Technically, what your heart is really doing is it's not accustomed to being by "itself", or loved by somebody else. That's basically what I've learned.

I haven't been with a lot of guys, I choose not to for my various and true to self reasons. I don't like giving my heart to just anyone, sure, not necessarily "hard to get", that too, but just the fact that I don't wanna just hand it like nothing. I do have respect for my heart, 'matter fact. I've only been with a few, 1 I can say that actually felt real for a long moment in time. Now, I'm solo, mmmmm. Truthfully tho', I really want someone. Okay, that comes out weird for me, I just want them goodlovin' times. No, not some boy who just wants me for my goodies, not a boy who does all he does just to get in my pants, no. Someone with real lovin'. I've got a lot to offer, only for one whose up for it. Then again, I'm just fine being alone, waiting for the right person will be worth it somehow later on. At least I'm thankul, throuhought this past year I've learned to satisfy myself, be by myself, not needing any guy to make me happy. But still, it'd be nice, yeah? No doubt every girl wants a sweet boy, honestly. It's just this society has become so accustomed to the assholes, it's like girls are starting to accept it 'cos it's like, "Eh what the heck, guys won't change might as well just forget it" - but I'm good thanks. Honestly, I just want a relationship like my sister has. Random much! Haaha :) Nope, but I am really inspried by her and her hubby, I look at them and wish one day I can have what she has. Cheesy much?! :D Hahahahahaha wow I'm corny. But it's true! Oh, Lordy :) Whatever, for now I'll just sit tight, live my life accordingly, & whatevs. Deuces <3

Fucked up day, fucked up everything.

No shit, I'm having the worst day f'reaal. FUCKING SUCKS ASS. I'm out of it, I'm pissed, I'm upset, I'm hurt, I'm just fucking fed up. I could really use a big ass gallon of ice cold blue Gatorade. Funny thing is, it ain't people. except one in particular, it's just me and my doings that are making me so so so, ugh, whatever! This is all killing me, this day is just the worst. The absolute worst :( For the first time, I broke out crying in school today, in private with besteezy of course. The only one that's really there for me, and I just passed a certain someone at the exact moment too who exactly shuns me the fuck off. It was the fucking best, just the best. YOU my friend are the best. Yeah I know I shunned you off, I sent you the longest text of saying sorry last night, and it's my fault now so whatever I can't even begin to explain how that made my day worse. All I wanted now was to be good with you, I even attempted looking for you after lunch, then after 8th period, NOWHERE to be found. I texted you periods before that as well, NOTHING. My day accordingly:

- Phone disconnected on me 5th period, cos mom forgot to pay.
- Took me fucking 15 minutes to text on 3 different people's phones today, all for a specfic someone.
- Library was closed, couldn't complete project.
- ^ Because it was closed, I had to work on it during 7th period, which caused me not to be able to finish my review worksheet, which ended up being collected and graded.
(& if you're gonna ask why I didn't work on it the night before, I DID my part, I was in a group and needed everyone's information to paste on the board, given 2 days to complete a long ass project. I planned to do it in the library, stress fucking free, but no, closed, which risked my grade to go LOWER in algebra)
- I have a fucking D in algebra, and it's gonna stay 'cos my teacher isn't counting the final exam into our final 4th quarter grade. GREAT!
- We ended up having to present on Monday, WOW!!!!!!!!!
- Called my mom to pick me up from school, made me wait fucking 20 minutes just standing there.
- Go into my fucking room to RELAX, I open the door to my room to see SHIT SHIT SHIT, brother's clothes, luggages, cabinets, ALL INSIDE MY ROOM. My mom is re-painting my brother's room since he got locked up, and while they're painting it, ALL HIS SHIT IS IN MY FUCKING ROOM.

WHATTHEFUCK.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of everything. I hate this.

I'm ready to just break down, I wanna cry so bad but my rooms invaded with all this shit taking up every part of my room I can't even walk in it. This is great. The best, the fucking best.

Whatevs'.

Lately, I've just been so fed up with lots of things. Not everything, but most of it. I needa' get outta here, escape somewhere. I'm starting to get sick of the past, which just isn't getting past. I hate remembering how you & I were so...I hate to say it, but, perfect for a solid moment in time. Before you had to f it all up, yeah? All in all things are just a blurr to me, I really don't get what to do. But whatever, I'll pick myself up like I always do & deal. You can't have a rainbow, without the rain. Or something like that, hahaha it was some quote I used to love. I've been stuck tryna figure things out when honestly I don't wanna figure out anymore. You & I have come and gone, we had our time, now it's just done for. As for the rest, it's whatever, lifes gonna get better, I feel it. Just as of right now, I gotta deal with the confusion and keep on makin' my way through.

Blurry vision.

I still can't believe what went down, I'm still disappointed that I've gotta do what I gotta do now. Sometimes you're scared to back out alone, but it's whatever, cos this is seriously messed up. I'm still hurt, really hurt matta' fact, that I had this clear vision for you & me. When I say I gave it every last I had in me, I really really did. To think you were serious this time too. Surprisingly I slept like a baby last night, thank God! Shooooot. Hah. You say you've changed, and you're still in the process of a "better you", but all I wish was you actually did try when we had a chance. Turn back to last summer, where you said the same words, & when I actually still had my heart open for you. Now it's so hard, even impossible, everytime I think of you it literaly hurts. This is the first time I felt this way, frrreal. Even in those three months I was still able to think about you, smile at our memories, laugh at reminiscing. Now I can't even bare to, the vision of you & her, damn, wtf, I feel so cheated on for some reason. I can't even bare to think how it all went down, how you acted, what you said to her, how you felt at those moments, WOW seriously -_____- Whatevs, it's all so pointless to me now, if SHE could get you, then wtf was I. It's all bull, honestly. Just a third wheel I was is all, the girl who was nice enough to always give you her heart no matter how many times it was only you who broke it and abused it. Now I've had it, I'm done, I can't stand it anymore. To top it off, you DON'T change when it mattered to me most. I don't get it, whatev. Whatever, I don't care anymore. Lates.

http://www.myspace.com/671preach
Don't You Remember - Preach ft Lino
nonstop listening, for the ending is my favorite.
if only someone could download it into playlist! haah -_-
wow i'm a dork.

"It's all just a buncha' bullish"

Gonna do my own thing, I'm flyin' solo.

"Gonna learn from my pain, never explain, do it my way,
that's what i say."

I can't believe this. I can't. Just when I learn to love and give you a chance again, something pops up. Sometimes I question God why the heck this always happens to me, why can't anything just stay put at being good. It all hurts so bad, for countless of reasons. The main one is for 3 months, I suffered, I cried, everything, just to reach a point of being okay again. When I finally did, life became easier. Then you come back, starting over, and I gave in only because my heart kept telling me to go with it. Plus living with grudges only makes you angry everyday, gives you something to be pissed about when you wake up, tense muscles. Forgiving gives you ability to smile, and have a stress free life. & so I did. Things were going so well, so nice, I finally thought this could work. It was the last chance I gave it. And of course, it gets screwed up. I'm beginning to see that it probably means something now. I'm fucking dissapointed at you, and myself. I just hate how I was so excited, looking forward to starting over. I should face it, what we had is what we had, it's time I move on. To someone who actually is right for me, won't stoop so low on my ass. Like freal! Wtf is that. You just don't understand what you've done, you don't yet. You're just a blurr to me now. I can't even picture myself with you anymore. All my hopes, happiness, and excitement of doing so just went down the drain. Incest. And you lil' girl same thing for you. Damn, both of you are fucked up in the head. What makes it worse is I know what you really did. No matter how much you're tryna' come off you didn't do shit, I'm wiser than that. I saw it for myself, my proof is right in front of me. Fuckin' fed up with liars. I mean yeah, I hate cheaters, but when you're already caught, have common sense and at least be somehow good and just admit what you've done. Just seriously now, I'm fuckin' fed up with liars. Fed up already.

Bad day, bad luck.

UGH! Today wasn't that bad, but I definitely wasn't a lucky ducky. The morning started out fine, woke up to see mamadukes car in the driveway meaning I had extra time to get ready since I wouldn't have to walk. Noice right? Right. Then I had to wear my shirt for English that I proudly just made last night, but it looked pretty damn good. Iron on lettering, colorful, oh yee :) I get to school to find a yummy hot pocket wrapped in foil in my locker :D Thanks..uh..whatever his name was. ( :p ) HAHA. Mhm all was well while it lasted. Then everything went a-wall on me. I needed some extra credit so I go to get my everything in it folder just to find out it wasn't in my locker. I fucking lost it. Hence, my EVERYTHING folder which had errr' lil thing in it. Then I sit down to see the letters on my shirt slowly peeling off, then the damn U finally hit the floor. AND, I realized I left my cell at home. Then in almost every class I couldn't function right 'cos my most needed shit was in that folder. Gah, not good basically. But I guess things turned around by lunch time, 'cos I just created my own version of the extra credit paper, didn't have to present. Meaning I have time to re-do my shirt again :D AND THEN! While Ash wanted a snack I found a 5 dolla bill on the floor! Ye ye ye :) But of course, something bad just HAS to happen again.

I come home from walking w/ Ash to see my cell laying on the kitchen counter. Only screaming one thing: my mother read it. I have nothing in my inbox, maybe in pictures but it's just with him smiling, and yeah. My outbox on the other hand is a different story. ODD ENOUGH, my inbox gets filled up so fast and has a limit, but my outbox doesn't. So my texts date back to Feb. AND UNFORTUNATELY, my sent texts have shit I pray TO GOD she didn't read. Yesterday, I went over Keither McBeaver's early morn' and the day before that has texts saying I will and ye shit you all get the point. AH! :( Damn I hope she didn't read it, 'cos if she did, mm hell yeee I'm screwed. Woop. There goes my summer. Thing is she didn't mention a word about it, and shit like THAT she wouldn't dare to keep in from yelling at me. But who knows...who knows.

*gulp*

"Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks ya down.."

Just get back up, when it knocks ya down. Yee :) Haha whatever tho, I'm getting fed up with this bullshit. I wanna say screw what I said in the last post, but that'd be too mean & not fully true. You make it hard for me to really have hope in us, as if you're always up and down with me. Some days you like me, some days you don't. Do I deserve that shit? Naaaw, I'm too good for games. So our status is whatever to me, 'cos sometimes you be trippin'. I like you yeah, but seriously now, what the fuck -_______- I had a life without you for 3 months, no way am I gettin' sucked up into the life of shattered hope. I hope, sometimes, guys weren't suck dicks. I know you all agree HAHA. But that's the jist of life. I don't wanna be here anymore. Days like these won't last forever. You'll be in college and I know you'll eye someone new. I just know, thats who you natrually are no matter what shit you say to me. & regaurdless, I'll never know. So that's why I'm giving myself a heads up now, so when the time comes, I can brush it off. I'm flying solo, still awaiting patiently for a someone to give my heart to and knowing they won't break it into pieces. Trust, loyalty, and honesty. Word.

I can't wait to start my MAC palette! :) Hopefully I'll be successful in depotting eyeshadows, I ain't gonna waste 14.50 and then end up shattering it. Man, I've become a MAC addict. Although, summer has made it's way and I stopped wearing foundation. Too heavy,when I don't need coverage. I've been using a tinted moisturizer, which has basically no coverage, good for the skin. It's basically like a mositurizer 'cept with a tint of your skintone. I just needed something super light and can even out my skin tone :) No foundation. Yay! I'm just about to fill out an online application to work at Rita's. I NEEDA JOB. Hopefully they hire me, yadiiiiiiig. I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T :) Haha. Nah, but once I get a steady job I'm finally gonna get me a Hello Kitty Debit Card in Bank of America :D Sooooo excited!

it's always you.

Sometimes I can't believe you & I are talking again. but I'm happy :) To me it's as if no matter who we go with, we'll always feel that us together is the best option. Just you & I as a team basically, even though we can piss the shit out of each other almost 24/7 haha :) Sure, we found ourselves a good one to ride with for the moment, but only to find out they didn't suit us as much as we suited each other. We may not be "together" right now, but for whatever, I'm down. Although, I hope you are willing to change your ways. I mean I know you are but hopefully it'll stick, cause babyboy you really piss me the hell of with yo arrogant behavior here and there. Haha :) ANYWAYS! This weekend was chill. Ashly's party yesterday, there the whole day and did whatever. Spent some time with mamadukes, brother and his girlfriend today. Buffet up at Freehold, HELLA DAMN GOOD O_O Mang oh mang, I reccomend it. & the sushi boy was eyeing me. I'm like >_> Fuck off. Hahaha. Then went to joyce leslie's solo, picked up some stuff. Including new SHADES :D I love 'em! Freal this time, I mean it. This one is my new baby<3 Mmmm. Pictures? Yeahp. Most of 'em are on Facebook though :) Haha.

So so so, def.

Hahaha. Life's hit a point of satisfaction :) To admit though, things are a little rocky with a few at the moment, but somehow maybe thing will patch up. I can't stand your stubbornness anymore! You really are pissing me off. You can be sucha girl sometimes, so manipulative, so, errghhaghh! You've always been that way though. Just understand you can't make my choices for me, and you have a girlfriend so get the fuck over yourself. You shouldn't care THAT much as if you're MY boyfriend to begin with. Ya feeel me?! Just back the hell off, I only like being good friends with you, I care for you only as a friend, not anything more than that. Maybe like a brother, but never as a boyfriend. All in all, just chill, seriously. I'm sick of dealing with your shit sometimes.

Mmmmmmm. I have a dentist appointment in a few. Summers making it's lurvely way in :) Yuumm. I need to do some shopping. I need a new foundation from MAC, Studio Fix has become too heavy for me. I'm going for a natural glow, esp. since it's summer! :) & EVERYONE has seen Sephora and it's grand opening glory this weekend but me! :'( SO unfair. But I like it when they say, "it so reminded me of you and how much you'd be spazzing". HAHAHA :) What can I saaay. But THAT'S SO ON MY LIST RIGHT NOW, I gotta check our Sephora out this weekend. Somehow..SOMEHOW. It's an effing must! This weekend was interesting, cough. Late nights, that's wssup' :)

Let's just pause this moment.

I know it's been a long time since you & I have gotten anything going between us, and it hasn't even been a week we just started talking. But all I know is I'm happy that I am :) My gut feelings keep tellin' me I'm doing something right, and this is right. But even with that, I don't wanna believe it too much. Yeah, even if you do make me smile all day everydamn day. Right? Hehe yeee. But I know what happened to our last relationship, how you & I have changed our ways since then and that's good. I'm just happy you came around, it's nice when people come to their senses sooner or later. No one believed that what we had was really something, freal'. And I hate to say it but I look at all these little relationships going on & I just laugh 'cos they think they got it all going, and it makes me laugh even more when it's only one person who believes it. Whatev', I'll just let 'em learn. 

All I know is, my gut keeps tellin' me this is just right the way it's going. & I've learned never to refuse my gut feelings, & just go with them.

PS - 2 quotes I've heard these past few days that I like :)

"I'm a little scared to hold you close, 'cos I just might, never, ever, let you go"

Bring Me Flowers - Hope

And you wonder why it's not me who hugs first. Hah, kidding? Mmm.

"Wow, what an asshole!"

"Mmmnah, he's just a boy"

- Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Playa, please :)

Hahahaha. Eh :) My eyes are complete bloodshot, for I stayed up all last night mang O_O *Cough. Haha. Weird thing was I didn't feel tired at all today, and odd enough, I haven't eaten one thing at all yet. Okay, 1 piece of a strawberry poptart, but thats it! But God damn those are my favorite. MMMMMMMMMMMMMM :) Anyways. Yeah! Deng, not like me not to have an appetite, I'm freakin' myself out. Today was good, chill, same ol' same ol classes. Notes that make me fall asleep, had Amy's iPod the whole damn day 'cos it had the song I've been currently addicted to. YEAH YEAH, My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson :) Meh love <3 Dun dun dun..oh and the end of the day was quite the charm too, hahaha ;) I missed The Hills last night. Just literaly checked the MTV sched, it's on in about 30 minutes. Pheeeeeew. Missed it last night, once again. And on a last note, I think I might be switching to AT&T. To me, I'm happy, 'cos damn I love their phones seriously. Good stuff good stuff. But then some people say, "bad choice", I'm like, "screw you (;" HAHA, nah. Butchyeah, I guess. Er, I think I'm feeling hungry now. Wuh? O_o Mmmmmmmmm. Hm. MmmmMmmm. Hah.

PS - One of my random posts, ha.

Muah,
A ♥

The reason for 5 hours of sleep, & runnin' on it.

'Cosa you. You always keep me thinking about what has happened, whats going to happen, what will happen, and the list goes on. For awhile, I've been able to just sleep on it. Just sleep, and it's a few hours of escaping the world. But just last night, I HAD to hear what you said to MY bestfriend. Truthfully, idgaf what you do and how you handle your business. Just do yourself & I a damn favor, if you don't feel how you used to feel, seriously, keep it to yourself. I think you pulled a dumbass move, we all know you went around with some new chick for awhile, it was pretty clear to me you didn't like me ever since THEN. So what makes you think you can just make it clear now?! "Haha ye, I don't like Angela anymore though". Ha-ha-ha. Yeah it hurts, but it's something I've known, but in a different matter. I don't need you to be tellin' my best that shit, 'cos you KNOW she's gonna tell me. What's your intentions buddy? WHAT?! You're like a pest, buzzing my damn ear. Annoyance. I still feel for you, quite honestly. Hearing what you told her, caused me to run on 5 hours of sleep today. You know that?! Hell no you don't know that. You ain't got a clue the hell you put me through, seriously. If you don't "like me anymore", so be it, I'd like to say you're just so aggrevating. You tell my friend, "I still have strong feelings for Angie". Then it's, "I don't like Angela anymore". I SWEAR kid. You're on my last nerve. If that's the final verdict, so be it. But from my side, here's how it goes. You & I, have been through too much bullshet together. I know we don't think about it on a daily basis, but if you could only sit in your room and remember how we met. How we got together 2 and a half years ago. How we'd find ways to see eachother. Or how we even got aqquainted to one another. Yeah? I know. I don't always take all that into consideration either. But I remembered everything last night, 'cos SOMEONE wanted to hear our story. So I was like, whatevs', it's all in the past, it doesn't hurt to tell a story. But here's what gets me.

I never once thought in the future, I'd be telling the story in the senario that you & I are done. I always thought I'd be re-telling it with smiles, laughter, 'cos we'd still be together. But naw. I had to tell it in a way, of just looking back at a memory, a memory that can't continue. & that's what pisses me off. THAT'S what causes me to lose sleep at night. Everything that has to do with you. Everyday, for the past 3 months, I've been stuck on the fact why we went wrong. I think it was so outta line, a little too outta line, no one ever saw it coming. One of those people was me. You & I, we shared everything and had everything together. Damn. But now, why do you gotta bring me up, just to bring me back down? Why have you done that to me in the past, for as long as I can remember. Son, you confuse me. I just can't keep up with your shit. I'll be doing fine with out you, and then you have to find SOME WAY for me to hear about your ass. Seriously? You really think I care as much as I used to? Yeah, I mean, I still have these lil' feelings for you. But up at this point, now i just don't give a fuck. Ever since I found out that shit from that party of what you said about me, I've had it. I'm in a state of shock at you, still in disbelief. But I guess that's how it goes. I can't keep up with your strategic ways, your plans hidden with another plan, whatever, 'cos like I stated before, either way, you have no balls to step the fuck up to my face. That's a bit gay, dontcha' think? Ye, I think so to.. :) No more of your lovin' no more.

Yesterday was nice :) Family and more family! In laws, that is :) OTHER brother's, what is now fiance, met up with her family in Cherry Hill. Ate at Pennangs, when originally suppose to eat at some japanese place. HAHA 5 minutes before getting there, Bev (his laaady), calls him saying they're closed. HAHA my brother starts having a bf, no doubt, 'cos it took an hour drive. But we ended up havin' a nice time either way :) Then I went to Cherry Hill mall. Toldya', knowin MY ASS, I'd find my way to the mall :D And there, I got my dress which was sold out in O.C Mall. Score biiitch! SCORE :)

"Will you, be my girlfriend?"

Haha okay, I'm nadda lesbo. It's just I was listening to music last night, specifically "Need a Girl - Trey Songz", which is one of my most favorito songs since I heard it on the radio. But but but! I was in my own little world for a second and imagined how I'd want the guy I like to ask me out. I KNOW, I'm a cornball! HAHA. Anyways, it would be him playing the guitar to that song, and in the back ground you have people holding up signs, "Angela, will you be my girlfriend?". !!!!!!!!!!! LMAO. & of course, me, with my happy yet so surprised face, yadda yadda :D Haha okay so I know this post was outta line, just thought I'd share it 'cos it's all that crosses my mind nowdays :) Not really, it's just a thought that makes me smile. Well I'm out, lates <3

Rainy days, blah la la.

Mmmm it's to rain the whole day today. I'm home -___________- Haha that's aight, I've barely been home all week, so I haven't gotten time to help my mama out. Can't leave her hangin'! HAHA. Needless to say, I'd like summer to come now. Weeheheee :) Idk, just gotta get outta this whole school scene, sick of it! f'reaaal. Anyways, I actually love rain to be honest. It gives me a sense of tranquility. Seriously! Ahah. Damn, I'm inlove with my playlist. Nonstop listenin' all day everyday ;) If only my computer in my room wasn't virus infected, I'd be working out nonstop :D I'm losing weight gradually, I'm happy. I haven't really had a bag of doritos, cheddar cheese chips, or any shit in like, EVER. One main part of my new routine is eat breakfast, whether it's mamduke's cooking or grabbing a nutrigram bar/poptart/granola bar for school, I don't eat lunch at school unless I missed breakfast, otherwise my lunch is at home. And then dinner, if I don't forget. HA! Butchyeah, that's what it is now. I also needa' re-paint my nails, I WILL get my nails done to that bright pink, but that's for summer time. Word ;) My sister's wedding is the first day of vacation, which is good 'cos she's been naggin' me whenever I'm out, "ANGELA DON'T GET TOO DARK SERIOUSLY NOT BEFORE MY WEDDING!!!!". Aaaand, because her wedding is the first day, I'm good I'm good :) Lemmeh' see what else what else.

So, I got this "plan" for next weekend. Not neccesarily a plan, just something the devil on my shoulder hinted me about. Haaah! Sikenaw, but I got something up my sleeve. I'm only hoping it will happen, don't worry, I ain't a shady bitch :) But one thing I know fa'sure is, it ain't my fault I know the meaning of a chill time... :) La la, I'm not even positive, let's just see what goes down for the week, yeah? On the last note, going to Cherry Hill tommorrow. Uh, meeting my brother's fiance's parents, and whatever else. Knowin' MY ASS, I'm just gonna find a way to hit up that mall over there. HAHAHA! :) Whatever, we'll see eh. Oh oh oh oh oh! I plan to get this:
http://www.coastalscents.com/cfwebstore/index.cfm/product/1667_122/ultra-shimmer-88-eye-shadow-palette.cfm

An essential to every make up lover. I heard so much about it on youtube by even the BEST of make up gurus. It's just my stuck up ass has been all on MAC, only 'cos I'm super big on the quality of make up. WAY WAY too picky on that. So when I hearda' this I was like, "naw..." but I'm willing to give it a shot. Only 'cos I love how it's in a palette, I can decorate it, AAAND, super price for 88 shadows! Even better, very very pigmented shadows. Pigmentation is a big deal when it comes to shadows, I like color that shows up. Duh :) And to think, MAC'S little mini eyeshadows for $14.50 EACH!? And there's 88 of these, every color imaginable, all for about 25 dang bucks. Hell yeah I'm gettin' it! Sweet sweet deal <3

Skeet skeet!

Ah, so I know I don't update that much nowadays. Idk, I don't feel like it, I'll only update when I'm in the mood . Ha. Eh I've just been lazy and out and about. Buuuut! Quick re-cap I guess, if I can remember. HAHA.

So as mentioned in my last blog post, I've been walking home kickin' it at Ashly's. Almost this whole past week, actually :) Or we just walk home. I'm happy 'cos I DO want my mama to understand that I'll be okay haha, just walking to and back to school. As in I want her to realize it's all good she can trust me, I won't do a thing. Thing with her is she doesn't know till she lets me try. -___________- I still recall in the summer her harsh words of "I'M NEVER EVER LETTING YOU WALK TO SCHOOL OR WALKING HOME SO DANGEROUS I DON'T CARE HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS DO IT YOU ARE NEVER WALKING ANGELA!!!!!" - Yeah? Haha, look now :) She needs to experience it first, now she's kinda sorta comfy. I mean I still get those worried calls or texts of, "Please call me when you get to school" or wherever I'm heading. But I ain't frontin', I call my mama wherever I'm at wherever I go, just to let her be secure. That's the mistake some people make. I know I've been a liar to her in the past, right to her face, but time has passed & things have changed, she can trust me this time. :) Oui. Anyway!



So I don't remember what happened on what days, but Ash came over, then after that we've been walkin' home going to her house. Yesterday....however..

It was a lil' something different. So I needed something from Rite Aid. "Needed". HA. Ash hates walking there, for it's "Mexican Territory" and she was super tired. SO I asked Mr. Faggot to come with me, just incase someone would jump me or something HAHAHAHA. Went home to Ashly's, changed in "disguise" (lmao), and then walked half way to meet up. Long story short, it was nice spending time with you :) Ugh, but, nah, I won't say it. You know what bothers me already. Us and our energy drinks, HAHA all you see is these 2 asians, me with my long red shirt with black leggings and ginourmous red shades, & him, just, lookin' like him, haha. Walkin' to and from Rite Aid, oh wait, but stopped at Bombay! HAAAH!!!! & then me holding my big ass can of Monster. >:) Muwahaha. But yet, I know the deal, yeah yeah yeah, sucks though. I'm very for the fact that I know I can make you laugh whenever needed :) Whatevs'! It is what it is, surely. But it was nice.. :) :) Love ya kiddo, ha. Sikenaw.

Then today, yet again, walked to Ashly's just to do her hair for her BLD thingy, WHICH I was suppose to go with, BUUUUT Ashly's mom is comin' home late from work so there goes my ride. Ashly's ride is full of that family, but I don't know those people anyway. Haha I'd rather not 'cos it'd be akward. Wah, but I was suppose to go tonight >:( S'aaaall good though, haha. Then mama said gotta go to sista sista's house for the night. So, yeah. I'm honestly too lazy to type more, just did this quick 'cos I know I needed to update somehow, ahah. Mmmmmmmm I'm out, tooodles! :)

Live, love learn.

Damn, stress stress stress. My house life has been drivin' me insane, and it's only one thing. Yes, thing. My damn screw up of a brother. Sooooooooooo done man. Sick of defending him, sick of having his back when he needed it, and covering him. No words can explain, so today, I talked to my mamdukes about it. & now the games switched up. No longer do I have to ride home with him after school, and 'sides, "he drives like a moron". HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love how someone commented on that, thank you you know who you are. Whatever it is, freal, I'm done. Mamadukes said if she ain't home I can walk home, WOOHOO I can walk home with my buddy now! HAHA. Another good few minutes to torture yooooooou! Wehehehe >:) Just kidding, love you senor faggot douchebag ! <3 But if no one's home 'sides him, I walk straight to Ashly's crib, aka my second house. Haha :) Whatever, I just eat there, or, WE, eat there. Like fatass fudgemonkeys. Oh yeah ;)

"But enough is enough, no more walkin' 'round,
with my head down. I'm so over bein' blue, cryin',
over you"
"Now Playing: So Sick - Ne Yo"
As for other things, life's pretty good. I can honestly say I'm over & done with the past. Whoever you're with, wherever you're at, have fun. I've also come to see & hear you're a bit all talk, kinda makes me laugh. To me, fake & cocky people piss me off. But it sucks to know you didn't used to be that way yaknow? I mean I'd know, I was your lady. & now you're just all, blegh, IDK. So, ayyye, haha, it's not my problem anymore ;) Took me a little while, but I've come to realize you really fucked up this time. And it ain't like you ever stepped up to talk to me, that's all it ever took, but you never chose to. So whatever it is, it's all yours. You can have it, I'm done, I've come too far to play little kiddy games. I want something real, and someone real, that's all. That's what I'm looking for. & for you, you really can't do it.

:) summer is almost here! dhashaskjdhakjahfkh. current to do list:


- Getting nails done, NO, not tips or whatever, I just want 'em professionally painted. What color you shall ask? BRIGHT FLUORESCENT PINK! <3 Why? Kim Kardashian! Haha. As she states in her blog, "..black is so old". Her and her sister's got theirs done in different shades of bright pinks. So yahknowwhat, I'm down! (:

Easy bweezy.

Laa dee dum dum. So today, was super super beautiful out :) Diggin' it yeo, f'sho <3 H.B.I.C's <3 HAHAHAHHAHAHA, word. Oh shit I love you Ash muahaha. Mmmm easy day, so nice out, I just wanna embrace the feel. Sometimes I just go outside and think. Get away from all the action, rotation, and fast pace of the world & just slow it down for myself. Stress can get to me here and there and I just gotta calm down. Too much has happened within these past months, some things I have yet to understand. But I guess that's the jist of life, figuring out and realizing as you go. What I've realized is lately is "don't know who you are anymore on the real, you went & changed so much I don't really feel.." - Nothing by Chrishan. I still be remembering all we've been through. When our hearts used to beat as one, moving to the rythm of the drums. Broken not whole, crushed like crumbs. Nahmean? HAHA. Got that from a song. Cute song actually, if it was on imeem it would so be playing right now. But nah you gotta deal with these 3 new songs, but I love 'em :) Special thanks to Ash for the This Ain't A Sad Song. She's like my music savior, she has the songs that explain my situations.

Sometimes it hits me how we used to talk about once you started driving, I'd be in the front seat. & we'd just ride. But nah, I'm guessing that's just outta the picture right? Damn, well all I can say is hope you drive safely. That's all.

I saw this gawgeous dress in Forever! Shit :( I put it on hold but what good does that do if they're only holding it till tommorrow morn'. Eeeek! Baha. Well I'm off this thang, lates<3

It's been awhile..

Gaah? These are one of those points in life where I'm just a bit mad. Okay, really mad. It's all up & down up & down. I wish you just understood. You confuse me, as well. After all we've been through, of course I can't forget one damn thing. It's as if a new memory crosses my mind everyday. I've kept myself occupied, with friends, avoiding you, & yet it's like you come back to haunt me. There are things I know that you don't know I know, and believe me, they're not what you think. But I brush it off, yaknow? For the sake of you, because apparently you "don't care" so why would I act any different than I have been? Sometimes it's like I know you know that thing between us, but once again, I just be brushin' it off like it's nothing. I see you every damn day. Every, hella, damn day. I appreciate all the days, weeks, months, & years we've stuck together. I really do. I miss 'em as well. But you always seemed to push me away, and towards the "ending" of it, it was way too obvious. Why didn't I see it? You had to crush me one last time by saying 2 nights before, that I was the only one meant for you. Doubt you remember that, cause you cold heartedly stepped on me about 3 days later. It was the night of the play. You hugged me, looked me right in my eyes, and said every word that honestly, I took deep down under. I believed you, kid. I did. But why...f'real though. Why? Why'd you go off doing shit like that, after all you've known me, for almost 3 years, we could've made it. We could've effing made it. But you chose to take a harsh left turn on me. I was left confused. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. & here I am now. Doing this. Couldn't imagine life with you by my side, still can't believe this is real. But you know what...

If you don't give a damn, I don't give a fuck. This is why I don't give out my trust, like candy don't care to please others, and don't love so easily. It's people like you. People like you who make me realize how corrupt the world is. You've corrupted me. You just keep doing what you've been doing, keep walking right past me like I'm invisible. Cause that's what you'll get in return. Fair right? Deuces.

Oh hot damn! *Pheeewww* (:

Lost hope.

Apparently I heard you don't care. It amazes me how I still cared even when we weren't talking, when I heard you went "missing". How stupid of me. Don't care about me anymore, fine, so be it. I'm sorry I ever had faith in you. Ever. The promise of always caring for me no matter what is just broken into pieces. It's great. Words can't explain how hurt I am from what I found out you said. "Don't care, don't care".

Fine. You said it.

Why. & the truth.

So why is it still you I want? We don't even talk anymore. You like so many other girls. After the most recent one I saw in your away message, I gave up. So I just decided to block you off everything, what other choice do I have? It's been so long..I haven't gotten a thing from you. Sometimes I still wish I had you, I really do. It's been awhile, and to this day you still occupy my mind. I can't believe why, and how you do it. I was at the mall today and I wanted some subway but when I got there I forgot subway was out of business already. -_________- Depressing? Yeah I know hahaha :) But I was hungry, so I looked to see what I wanted in the food court, but then I remembered how you and I would always eat chinese food and pizza. HAHA most effed up combo fsho'. It was just something we ALWAYS did at the mall. Haha if there's one thing we always ended up doing at the mall it was eating. AND the movies too! Haha we were fatties. Bah, I just kinda felt akward inside, and just forgot about eating. Till my sis and her friend came back from their friend's house and treated all 3 of us to Burger King. Anyways, I still haven't forgotten unfortunately. I wish you never changed on me. I wish you never went out with her just 2 weeks after we stopped talking. Why'd you make everything so difficult? I still miss you though. But it's whatever, you're gone, I doubt you'd be reading this, and that's just all there is to it I suppose. To make things worse you're just so....different now. I don't know if that's a cover up for something, or thats just who you officially are. I miss who you were when you were with me. Now..I don't know. How would I know much, we walk past eachother during school like we never even met. So funny really, we made the biggest impact on one another yet you would never guess it at how we act like we've never had anything to do with eachother when I see you. Funny, eh? Whatever. Just hoping you would come around someday but I guess you never will.

Anyway today was good :) Mass at 12, saw people, then home. Then sister dropped me off at the mall. Called Mr. Faggot to come tag along but he didn't get a ride, which sucked cause I could've picked him up if I wasn't too lazy to grab my cell outta my purse in the car! HAHAHAHA :) But nooooo. SO I was solo except on the phone the whole time. Got me some MAC goodies! <3 MMMMM! Eyeshadows! 2 GORGEOUS colors, I'm gonna use everyday as my smokey eye. Very very pretty. & bought some random shit from Forever 21. Uhhhhhhhh 1 headband, 1 pair of huge CUTE red sunglasses, & a teal tank. And I also had a 10 Victoria's Secret Card so I used it to buy an $8 cosmetic pouch to put my lurvely make up in :) Sweet. So all in all I'm a happy camper with the stuff I bought today :D Yaaaaaay!

NOW. Time to work on homework that was given during break. Oops (T____T) Kardashians tonight! Lates!<3

What hurts the most?

So my small brain & I have come to realize that the song that perfectly describes my situation has been played in the radio over 100 times already :) What Hurts The Most by Cascada. Old, but amazing. I was singing it in my brother's car, only to suddenly realize at the chorus it sounded familiar. Ha :) So, word. The bolded words are the things that really stood out to me -____~ & yesterday just chilled with Rhea at the Jackson Outlets, then helped her mama dearest find an outfit for Vegas. Which in my eyes was the trickiest task to do cause she's mad picky! HAHA. So we were there for about idk, 2 hours in the same place. & today my sister and I got into some childish fight, if you ask me, which was all started by her leading me not to be able to go to Freehold today -___________- Ugh! I'm seriously not even gonna aknowledge her for awhile, she seriously pissed me the fuck off by canceling on me. Asajhadjhakdjhaksj! Lates!<3

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
But i'm doin it
It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret
But i know if i could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken

What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
And never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

So done with it.

And foreal, I'm done. I don't want anything to do with your ass anymore, I'm just so through. You can love whoever you please, adore any girl you choose, brag about it on your aways, I'm through. You're off my aim, you're off my Facebook, you're off my MySpace. Don't wanna see it, don't wanna be aware. You've pushed me way too far, and I can't put up with the bullshit you have to offer me. You sicken me, first of all, this girl you considered your "little sister", is your new lover now? SICK MOTHAFUCKIN' ASS. I swear >_> Well either way, I'm through. You can't do shit for your life, and honestly, I don't wanna even have faith in us anymore. You threw all our memories down the drain like it never made you who you are today, you forgot about everything, and you know what. So will I. What gets me most is you could never have a heart to apologize to me after all you've hurt me with. And I know you know you did. 2 simple words, of, "I'm sorry". I can't keep putting myself into pain over you, because you just don't care. So am I to keep trying for someone who doesn't bother. With all that time wasted, it could be for someone who is willing to love me like I deserve to be. So you know what, goodbye to you. Almost 3 months, I've been thinking you could come around. Fuck, I'm stupid huh? Well enjoy your life, with your new girls, and anything else I missed. Just goodbye :)

Saywhat, second chances?

Consider me a stupidfuck, I'll write that on a "Hello My Name Is.." sticker and put it on my forehead, yeah? ;) Haha, nah. But I just gotta say, I feel so stupid. Who am I to reconsider something with someone who aims to hurt me all the time. To make me feel bad, and feeds off it. To mark my every move, and note himself to do something better. Who am I to even think about forgiving someone like that. I guess you could give a second chance, but to me, second chances are only meant for those that are worth it. You talk, and talk, and talk, but you don't move or prove shit. So how am I suppose to sit here and say, he's worth it. No..you're not. You sit there and I know you aim somehow, to hurt my feelings. I don't know why, just like summer. You're sick, you really are. I've had enough honestly, you hook up with someone 2 weeks after the bullshit you put me through, give her our anniversery, you sick, sick, fuck. And yeah, you may talk, you may say things behind my back that you'd think make me smile. Sure, they make me think, but when it comes down to it, you show nothing. How am I to accept shit, if I don't see shit from you, YOUrself. I've done major thinking today to put all this into words. I can't sit here and guess your thoughts, so now, it's whatever. Do what you may please, hook up with whoever, if you think it makes me want you more, it only makes me want you less. If you're okay with that, then yeah, it's all good for you. I'm someone who believes through doing, not seeing. Easy girls may be the ones you can get the hearts of, but you already know, I'm not like that. I'm, different. Period.

Forget about me, I love you <3

Aka, family :)

So I'll be real though and say I never understood what that phrase meant, I'd be like, forget about who ha what? AND now haha I see, the first letters yeah yeah = family :) But the reason I'm doing this now, is because I've come to a realization on how much I love my family. Especially today. Okay, so, I excluded 2 family members. I know, kinda harsh, but they aren't family to me at all. Those up there however, are. The top right and bottom right may not be blood family, but they're inlaws :) And even if they weren't, I'd still consider them family after all we've been through haha. These are the people who I know will be there for the rest of my life, and I know it. Even though I know there will be points in my life I'll wish they weren't, they still will be. NOMATTER how sick I get of them. But then, at the end of every day, I can't be anymore thankful to have them around. Each one has a reason to be my hero, so all together, they make up one savior. HAHA. Mama, the head honcho. Slow, but bo$$, lmao. Brothers, whom remind me that life's too short to be down, live it up, make money, and be independent. Because apparently, "guys love that kind of girl". Basically, ALWAYS tellin' me to do it like guys do, and be tough inside & out, and have some mo'fucking balls HAHA. And then you have the sisters, who give me the right comfort when I need it, and the feeling of security. Providing advice, rather than just teaching me to be tough, but real word for word advice through experience. Learning from people with experience is always the best. MmmmmMmmhm. This is way random, but I just decided to say something about how much I appreciate they're there for me, I love 'em to death :) Just had to make a quick note, haha.

On my toes.

"If it's you then you're welcome baby make your way,
come in & save the day"
- Superhero ; Donnellshawn

I know what's going on, don't think I don't. I think one thing that's stayed the same about you, is your strategic self. Seems like you've got a reasoning behind every move you make, haha. Well hey, it's up to you. If you don't wanna step up, then we can stay this way. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut, cause I'm a good friend who can keep a secret :) But like I said, it's your move. Either step up or you don't, it's been awhile, so, do what you choose. I'm not gonna say a word. Just know that I know what I know, & you know what you know. & if those thoughts go together, anything can happen. More than words, keep your coins, I want change.

Mmmmuahaha it's raining out ): Hmm makes me feel tired. But I'm not gonna sleep or nap cause I'm gonna keep my routine up of losing weight for summatime. I'm so pissed, came back from the Philippines & was 100 pounds, now I'm a fatty whose 106 -______- WAH. I had a dream that my cartilage was piereced! Holy mothalovin' shit, I was so happy & then I woke up touching my ear. HAHA. Soon soon, I'm about to ask if I can get it this summer, hopefully. I'ma save the money then ask me mommadukes. Word :D & I can get Ashly to video it lmao. MmMmm gloomy day. Talking to some faggot. Because "only real men wear tight shirts from JcPenneys". Haha, having good friends are golden people. Aight, I'm off this, lates<3

AA <3 & blah anonymous.

Mmmmm. Besteezy came over yesterday & just kicked it :) Haven't really chilled at my house for awhile. Firstly I took a shower while she was on the computer, waited for my hair to dry HAHA. "Is your hair dry NOW?!" HAHAHA I air dry it during the warm days, I don't wanna damage it :) Anyway, then were fat asses and just ate away, apparently all we talk about is food -_______- Lmao. Then I did her make up <3 Then camerawhored a bit, word. Cough, Facebook, yeah ? Haha :) I honestly don't know what I'd do with out her, she's my half f'real. Through out everything. "Wells Fargo" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA <3 OH fucking man. I love you besteezy Ashly :)

I felt like doing some to the anonymous. I like doing this stuff, sometimes.

Dear You,
Fuck off. Sorry, excuse my French. But don't ask about me, get a life. I told you to forget about it, I really have nothing to do with you. In all truth, I really am fine without you. Only you in general, you made no impact in my life, we only went at it for like a week, I don't give a about you aight? And don't go off saying shit, "Ha, her and her jealousy issues" Excuse me? What jealousy issues faggot, I wouldn't be talking after some texts you sent me. Thank God I made the right choice 'bout your ass :) Keep my name outta your mouth, and we'll all be in peace. K, thank you love.

Dear You,
All I can say to you, you, is I'm not stupid. I know you've known me well, but if you remember, I always figure things out. That's all.

Now I know what you're about.

Just listen to that first song on my playlist. It explains everything rather than me typing it all out haha. Lazy mood ! -______________- Haha mmmmmmk, bye bye :)

PS. English class has become my LIFE <3 Muahahaha. Okay, bye.

Ouchie.

Firstly, A Year From Now by Across Five Aprils is hella good. HELLA freakang good.

Okay, so I finally got around re piercing my second ear holes. HAHAHA it's so embaressing really, I've had em done twice and they always closed up on me cause I'd take out the diamond too early in the process. NOW, f'real I'm NOT gonna take it out as fast. Probably because I'm proud of my work ;) Through the ice dripping down my shirt just so I could numb my damn ears, to the nonstop bleeding lmao. Good work good work, I pat myself on the back muahaha :) And if anyone really thinks I'm that stupid, I'm not, I've sanitized almost everything nonstop haha, just in case >____< But I guess the real reason I did this is because I was thinking about the day I get my belly button pierced, hopefully on my 16th birthday. It just came to me, then I start thinking hella hard about it, and then I realized how my second ear holes closed up on me for the second damn TIME! & I was like, "Shit.." cause my mom would probably say no to the belly button if she saw I didn't even care for my ear ones. So I was even more "Shit shit shit!" & I just re pierced them 10 minutes ago HAHA. Can't let mamabear down on this one, for I really am excited about my belly button & doing anything it takes to prove it to her. So, word :) Hahahahaha.

Miss meh? And some real talk.

So, damn. Miss meh? HAHA. Sikenaw, I'm not that big on blogging as I used to be anymore thats why I haven't really updated. Well it's probably just a phase, but I think I'm sure on this one. Maybe I'll just keep this for the summatime use, coming up soon :) But I guess it's also cause if you really cared about my life or me in general, you'd read this but if you cared more than that and were logical, you'd talk to me, IM me, comment me, whatever and catch up and chill whatever ;) Haablahblahblah. I honestly don't know what to say with this. I guess I'm done with kinda letting out personal details of my life, but then again there are days I just feel like venting. Some girls have diaries, but my hands and the keyboard are like the hands with a pen. I can't write for shit, it's annoying muahaha. So I blog :) Soo, I guess I did log on this for a reason today. It's such a beautiful day out, ALMOST like a summer afternoon, excluding the hotness. I think the temperature is just perfect outside, and the breeze is relaxing. Meeee love :) & while I was outside, I guess I got brought back by them summer nights. Sneaking you through my fence door, carefully sneaking you back out. All within an 11:00 PM 12:30 AM nightspan HAHA. Aw, man :) I was laughing & smiling like a retart to myself. Then I just sat outisde, reminiscing. Realizing whats done is done, righ' ? I guess. You've moved on, we're so far away from who you & I once were. I laugh cause while I was outside, it was the summer I was bitching about how "you left me for 2 weeks!", and now here I am & it's been 2 months. Damn, haha. I just laugh it off, for I never knew it would end up like this. I still wonder what if we never went wrong, and if you never fell for her. I just wish I saw it coming, it was smack dab in front of my face. You kept declining being with me, because you fell for someone else in the process. I just wish you told me you were tired of me, and you had found someone now or something. Yeah, truth hurts, but truth is truth and I'd rather have it then see all the lies in front of my face. BUT!

Once again, whats done is done. It's been a long time comin', especially for you & I. Summer is almost here, and I hope to make this one enough to forget the last one. Only because it consisted of memories that no longer have meaning to me, even though once in awhile, I still wish it did. I still catch myself wondering where did you & I go wrong, but I know you know where, but I don't. Cause then again, I don't even wanna know, yaknow? :) Real talk aha. Wellllll! Ah, summer summer summer. We shall meet very soon & till then! Lates<3

You & I, we have nothing but the future to make better, build up from now, & leave all the booshit behind
:)

-______- Pissy

It's one of 'em days where every little thing annoys me and I wouldn't suggest being sarcastic or kidding around with me. Like I already have a bad temper, well, anger issues. So when days like these come outta nowhere, it's even 10x worse. I really don't know wtf happened, my morning was nice, then somewhere during the morning it's like I just got irritated. & there's no reasoning behind it, oddly. Like a little angry bug crawled up my ass or something HAHA. But yeup, that was mostly my day. I'd like to apologize for any of my grumpiness affecting people & pissing them off -___- Muaha. Sowwy ;( And to make the matters worse, I yet again missed the Kardashians yesterday ! WTF ! It's so messed up, I always tend to miss it. I only saw the last 5 minutes and it was Kim doing her stripping dance in Vegas -_- I was like, ugh LOL. A bit akward as well because my dumbass of a brother locked himself in my mother dearest's room, so I had to watch it downstairs and my mom was awake so uh, she was kindof wondering why I was watching it. As if she has thoughts I'm tryna be a stipper roflmao -_-

BUT ! I'm starting to feel better. Right now there's something in my eye so that's one thing thats bothering me. I guess I just wanted this day done & over with, bah. So now since I'm home I'm sortof relaxed. Feeling good :) Sortof. Ashdasjhdasjfajkdf homework time. Oh oh oh ! & I found this oh so lovely throwback picture. MUAHAHAHA. Good times good times.

Breakups, WHADAFXUP?!

Oh dear. That subject. But if I hear one more, "..but angela he's the one you don't understand i love him i can't do it i love him angela angela please angela i don't know what to do he promised me this, he promised me that" I'ma slap a hoe! OH SHUT THE FUCK UP. Ok, just kidding on that part. I guess I mean, I understand guys. Don't tell me I don't, I know you guys don't mean it at the moment you say it cause your heart is sort of dropping down to your stomach, you're angry, upset, sad, crying, I know. Just know, I understand every single little detail. I've been through it, and if you let me, I can help you through it. Well only to those who have been there for me. If you're just some asshole, idgaf you can handle it yourself :) HAHA. Anyways, life can be hard. You're gonna lose someone you've never wanted to, nor expected to. You love them too much to lose them. You don't wanna believe they just don't love you like that anymore, and it's the worst thing to believe. But I've come to learn truth hurts. A lot. Now after your first real love break up, you learn to slow down when it comes to taking life to seriously. I know, you guys probably planned to be "together forever" and you planned your married life at what, 2 months?! Damn, nowdays you hear teen couples planning their kids at 3 weeks. CHILL PLEASE! We're youngins', and goodness gracious life has no guarantees. Never say forever to someone, especially at 3 weeks or something. I understand if you hit a year...and..a HALF. Yeah! Don't say forever bullshit regaurdless, cause seriously, things can change and life can take a harsh left turn. But what am I saying, I'm pretty sure I've gone through the whole "I'll be with him forever" scene, I admit. Just understand you'll wish you never did. I know I wish I didn't.

For I really did believe he was the one. Through whatever, we'd be there for eachother. Even everybody else had no doubt in their mind we'd end up getting married or something. Did I agree, yes. Do I regret that? Somewhat, yes. I just wish you never fell outta love. I mean I know we've pissed eachother off, I just sometimes to this day wish that things could be how they once were. Doesn't hurt to miss it, right? Maybehhh. This is what I mean when I say life DOES 100% take a harsh left turn. You'd never expect to see it coming, but it does. Just like it did for me.

Where am I going with this exactly? It's to chillax. I'm not saying STOP CRYING RIGHT THIS INSTANT, FOO. No. Cry all you please, for crying is good for you. You're gonna start crying at night, morning, even during the day. My most hateful thing I hate seeing about that is though, seeing girls cry publicly in school. OHMYLANTA. It really does piss me off. They attract everyone's attention, as if THEIR heartbreak is the worst case in the world, everyone goes through one. Please, save your tears for somewhere PRIVATE. And especially when they try to attract the ex's attention by doing so, oh dear, no no pathetic. Personally, in my eyes. Sorry! It's just too embaressing. I know you miss em, I know you want them to know you still love em, but tears do NOT bring them back. Lalalaaa, damn, I always have too much to say when it comes to the topic of going through a break up. This is what I wanna say when someone texts me all sad and saying they're crying. It hurts me to know that dumb little boy broke a close friend of mine's heart, but understand, you MUST accept what can and cannot be.

I guess though, after time passes by, you'll learn to feel better. You'll get accustomed to him being gone, and you get used to it. Maybe you'll still miss them deep down, psha I know I still do more than anything. It's hard, but like I said, it is what it is. If they just don't feel that love for you anymore, ain't no way you can force them to. That would just be pity love. I want that real real love :) But ain't no rushin' to it. Period. On the last note, listen to the sing So You Can Cry - Ne Yo. Trust me! Haha.

Sometimes it comes to the point where I want you, some times, I wanna stay in the level we're at as of now. On the real, I don't know if I want this to keep going...

Satisfaction

So i agree life has it's ups and downs sometimes, no doubt. I know I don't have a perfect life, of course it's filled with bullshit at times. But what I love most is I'm always learning from it, and getting stronger. Good things have fallen apart in my life at times I needed them most, or even when I didn't want them to. But they fell apart on me anyway. Later do i always end up realizing it's so better things can come together. Although, I do tend to wish certain things never fell apart. That's the way it is though, so I've come to just deal with it and suck it up. Wishing never hurts :) Still that typical wisher every time i see 11:11 on my celly :) Other than that stuff, lifes okaay dokaay. I've moved on from what I was told straight up could no longer be. I've gained some good friends back, after a long time comin' & reminisce about them good ol' days and caught up :) Nice.

At some nights I just lay down and look up at my boring beige painted ceiling and just think, "What if..?" BUT I know I should stop so then at that point I just stuff my face in my pillow and just sleep. What if thoughts have no use for me, so thats why i just put it aside. It hits me once in awhile though, just a wandering thought of what if things were different. Obviously though, it is what it is. So i just accept :) Having a difficult time always happens to everyone, it's just up to us whether we let it get the best of us. Yaknow? :) I never let it get the best of me, but I still like to vent about it haha. But I make sure it doesn't ruin who i am or how far I've come :)

Oh and Twilight is the mothafckang SHIT! :) Ohman, I loved it! <3 I wish I had me a sweetheart like Edward. I'm sure every girl thats watched it does HAHA. So cute, I honestly never planned on getting interested in Twilight. Now i see why everyone was into getting the shirts! Hit me up with one! Aha sike :) Naaaaaaah.

Happiness

Today..was nice :) I'm happy, and satisfied with my life. I'm just flat out happy. I really don't give a flying fuck about much anymore, seriously AHA. I'm focusing on the goodness in my life, which I've come to see is a lot of things and people. People have been wondering how I've been doing from "you", and I don't see why they have a worried look on their face for I'm seriously doing fine. People tell me they see you in the halls sometimes, or they see you with your girl, kissing , blah, and they question if I'm alright and I'm just here laughing cause I seriously don't stress about it anymore. Hell yeah i used to be pissed, hell yeah I used to get angry, but it's been awhile and I've improved a lot. I LOVE the person I am now, and I'm always here to give advice to the ones I love most because I've been through that shit before :) Everyday I'm smiling, unless it happens to be a day I woke up on the wrong side of the bed xD Which can be once in awhile, hey I have my bitch days ! :p But other than that, I'm happy. Period. Single, independent, loving every minute of it. Hollllllllller baby :)

Yesterday I just stayed at Ashly's, for I actually haven't been there in awhile. Just chilled, took some shitty random video that I'd LOVE to post up but there are some inappropriate comments. HAHA. "I LIVE IN NEVADA" <3 Oh bestay I love you with all my heart. Then later that night did some hip hop choreo with somebody, but nobody important. HAHA sike, of course, he knows who he is who also taught me 1 freeze move :D I felt so good. HAHA. We've got 1 move down. It's pretty damn good I must say for myself. It hits that one part of the song just perfectly. "Closssser, closserrrr". Noice :) Asjhdasjkhdasjkdhasjk then I went home to finish up a project that took me till 1 in the morning. I think I'm failing English at the moment, so I've been doing anything to bring my grade up. NO MORE PROCRASTINATION. AH ! Ahahaha.

Mattafact

Damn. Changes changes changes everywhere. But change is good :) I'm happy and I'm satisfied with life. All i need in this life of sin is my bestfriends <3 AHA. Usually it'd be "boyfriend" but i gotta say it's the bestays. I love them to death, always making me cheese and laugh 24/7 <3 i love you guys :) I'm not down for any committment, not as in I'd ever dare to cheat. I just mean as in I can't stand someone holding me back. It wasn't cause he was tryna do it, I just think a relationship in general gets in the way of my life right now. Just wanna live it up :) ANYWAAAY. It's basically family day. like every other Sunday. Church @ 10:30 and then dimsum. and HOPEFULLY, get my sister convinced to stop by the mall for my dose of my green tea frap <3 mmhm :) gives me orgasms HAHAHAsike, but it's so damn delicious. and i could do some more shopping, cause i didn't have $$$ on me last time. But in the car on Friday my brother just handed me 40 bucks, then added a 5, and said, "clean mom's room" and that was it. Oh the joy of having brothers that are lazy.

And SPECIAL thanks to you for so called being there for me. That's the last time I'm ever helping your ass again on your problems. Bitch move right there, you really just pissed me off. Sometimes you are a genius at getting too outta hand, you really are especially for all the things I've done for you. Realize how bitchy you were and then actually talk to me. But besides you, yous know who you are that were there for me (: always making me smile & cheese and I couldn't have done this without you 2. love you with all my heart HAHA <3 Only you would google, "Break up lines" for me on the phone. Even though it was all a joke. "Do you really wanna know why i went out to dinner with my assistant?..." Haha I love you kid. I love both of you, couldn't be any more appreciative i got you two by my side.

As for you once again. Live accordingly, but don't do someone whose done nothing but stick by your side for the long run, wrong. You better think about what you did hun.