Live, love learn.

Damn, stress stress stress. My house life has been drivin' me insane, and it's only one thing. Yes, thing. My damn screw up of a brother. Sooooooooooo done man. Sick of defending him, sick of having his back when he needed it, and covering him. No words can explain, so today, I talked to my mamdukes about it. & now the games switched up. No longer do I have to ride home with him after school, and 'sides, "he drives like a moron". HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love how someone commented on that, thank you you know who you are. Whatever it is, freal, I'm done. Mamadukes said if she ain't home I can walk home, WOOHOO I can walk home with my buddy now! HAHA. Another good few minutes to torture yooooooou! Wehehehe >:) Just kidding, love you senor faggot douchebag ! <3 But if no one's home 'sides him, I walk straight to Ashly's crib, aka my second house. Haha :) Whatever, I just eat there, or, WE, eat there. Like fatass fudgemonkeys. Oh yeah ;)

"But enough is enough, no more walkin' 'round,
with my head down. I'm so over bein' blue, cryin',
over you"
"Now Playing: So Sick - Ne Yo"
As for other things, life's pretty good. I can honestly say I'm over & done with the past. Whoever you're with, wherever you're at, have fun. I've also come to see & hear you're a bit all talk, kinda makes me laugh. To me, fake & cocky people piss me off. But it sucks to know you didn't used to be that way yaknow? I mean I'd know, I was your lady. & now you're just all, blegh, IDK. So, ayyye, haha, it's not my problem anymore ;) Took me a little while, but I've come to realize you really fucked up this time. And it ain't like you ever stepped up to talk to me, that's all it ever took, but you never chose to. So whatever it is, it's all yours. You can have it, I'm done, I've come too far to play little kiddy games. I want something real, and someone real, that's all. That's what I'm looking for. & for you, you really can't do it.

:) summer is almost here! dhashaskjdhakjahfkh. current to do list:


- Getting nails done, NO, not tips or whatever, I just want 'em professionally painted. What color you shall ask? BRIGHT FLUORESCENT PINK! <3 Why? Kim Kardashian! Haha. As she states in her blog, "..black is so old". Her and her sister's got theirs done in different shades of bright pinks. So yahknowwhat, I'm down! (:

Easy bweezy.

Laa dee dum dum. So today, was super super beautiful out :) Diggin' it yeo, f'sho <3 H.B.I.C's <3 HAHAHAHHAHAHA, word. Oh shit I love you Ash muahaha. Mmmm easy day, so nice out, I just wanna embrace the feel. Sometimes I just go outside and think. Get away from all the action, rotation, and fast pace of the world & just slow it down for myself. Stress can get to me here and there and I just gotta calm down. Too much has happened within these past months, some things I have yet to understand. But I guess that's the jist of life, figuring out and realizing as you go. What I've realized is lately is "don't know who you are anymore on the real, you went & changed so much I don't really feel.." - Nothing by Chrishan. I still be remembering all we've been through. When our hearts used to beat as one, moving to the rythm of the drums. Broken not whole, crushed like crumbs. Nahmean? HAHA. Got that from a song. Cute song actually, if it was on imeem it would so be playing right now. But nah you gotta deal with these 3 new songs, but I love 'em :) Special thanks to Ash for the This Ain't A Sad Song. She's like my music savior, she has the songs that explain my situations.

Sometimes it hits me how we used to talk about once you started driving, I'd be in the front seat. & we'd just ride. But nah, I'm guessing that's just outta the picture right? Damn, well all I can say is hope you drive safely. That's all.

I saw this gawgeous dress in Forever! Shit :( I put it on hold but what good does that do if they're only holding it till tommorrow morn'. Eeeek! Baha. Well I'm off this thang, lates<3

It's been awhile..

Gaah? These are one of those points in life where I'm just a bit mad. Okay, really mad. It's all up & down up & down. I wish you just understood. You confuse me, as well. After all we've been through, of course I can't forget one damn thing. It's as if a new memory crosses my mind everyday. I've kept myself occupied, with friends, avoiding you, & yet it's like you come back to haunt me. There are things I know that you don't know I know, and believe me, they're not what you think. But I brush it off, yaknow? For the sake of you, because apparently you "don't care" so why would I act any different than I have been? Sometimes it's like I know you know that thing between us, but once again, I just be brushin' it off like it's nothing. I see you every damn day. Every, hella, damn day. I appreciate all the days, weeks, months, & years we've stuck together. I really do. I miss 'em as well. But you always seemed to push me away, and towards the "ending" of it, it was way too obvious. Why didn't I see it? You had to crush me one last time by saying 2 nights before, that I was the only one meant for you. Doubt you remember that, cause you cold heartedly stepped on me about 3 days later. It was the night of the play. You hugged me, looked me right in my eyes, and said every word that honestly, I took deep down under. I believed you, kid. I did. But why...f'real though. Why? Why'd you go off doing shit like that, after all you've known me, for almost 3 years, we could've made it. We could've effing made it. But you chose to take a harsh left turn on me. I was left confused. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. & here I am now. Doing this. Couldn't imagine life with you by my side, still can't believe this is real. But you know what...

If you don't give a damn, I don't give a fuck. This is why I don't give out my trust, like candy don't care to please others, and don't love so easily. It's people like you. People like you who make me realize how corrupt the world is. You've corrupted me. You just keep doing what you've been doing, keep walking right past me like I'm invisible. Cause that's what you'll get in return. Fair right? Deuces.

Oh hot damn! *Pheeewww* (:

Lost hope.

Apparently I heard you don't care. It amazes me how I still cared even when we weren't talking, when I heard you went "missing". How stupid of me. Don't care about me anymore, fine, so be it. I'm sorry I ever had faith in you. Ever. The promise of always caring for me no matter what is just broken into pieces. It's great. Words can't explain how hurt I am from what I found out you said. "Don't care, don't care".

Fine. You said it.

Why. & the truth.

So why is it still you I want? We don't even talk anymore. You like so many other girls. After the most recent one I saw in your away message, I gave up. So I just decided to block you off everything, what other choice do I have? It's been so long..I haven't gotten a thing from you. Sometimes I still wish I had you, I really do. It's been awhile, and to this day you still occupy my mind. I can't believe why, and how you do it. I was at the mall today and I wanted some subway but when I got there I forgot subway was out of business already. -_________- Depressing? Yeah I know hahaha :) But I was hungry, so I looked to see what I wanted in the food court, but then I remembered how you and I would always eat chinese food and pizza. HAHA most effed up combo fsho'. It was just something we ALWAYS did at the mall. Haha if there's one thing we always ended up doing at the mall it was eating. AND the movies too! Haha we were fatties. Bah, I just kinda felt akward inside, and just forgot about eating. Till my sis and her friend came back from their friend's house and treated all 3 of us to Burger King. Anyways, I still haven't forgotten unfortunately. I wish you never changed on me. I wish you never went out with her just 2 weeks after we stopped talking. Why'd you make everything so difficult? I still miss you though. But it's whatever, you're gone, I doubt you'd be reading this, and that's just all there is to it I suppose. To make things worse you're just so....different now. I don't know if that's a cover up for something, or thats just who you officially are. I miss who you were when you were with me. Now..I don't know. How would I know much, we walk past eachother during school like we never even met. So funny really, we made the biggest impact on one another yet you would never guess it at how we act like we've never had anything to do with eachother when I see you. Funny, eh? Whatever. Just hoping you would come around someday but I guess you never will.

Anyway today was good :) Mass at 12, saw people, then home. Then sister dropped me off at the mall. Called Mr. Faggot to come tag along but he didn't get a ride, which sucked cause I could've picked him up if I wasn't too lazy to grab my cell outta my purse in the car! HAHAHAHA :) But nooooo. SO I was solo except on the phone the whole time. Got me some MAC goodies! <3 MMMMM! Eyeshadows! 2 GORGEOUS colors, I'm gonna use everyday as my smokey eye. Very very pretty. & bought some random shit from Forever 21. Uhhhhhhhh 1 headband, 1 pair of huge CUTE red sunglasses, & a teal tank. And I also had a 10 Victoria's Secret Card so I used it to buy an $8 cosmetic pouch to put my lurvely make up in :) Sweet. So all in all I'm a happy camper with the stuff I bought today :D Yaaaaaay!

NOW. Time to work on homework that was given during break. Oops (T____T) Kardashians tonight! Lates!<3

What hurts the most?

So my small brain & I have come to realize that the song that perfectly describes my situation has been played in the radio over 100 times already :) What Hurts The Most by Cascada. Old, but amazing. I was singing it in my brother's car, only to suddenly realize at the chorus it sounded familiar. Ha :) So, word. The bolded words are the things that really stood out to me -____~ & yesterday just chilled with Rhea at the Jackson Outlets, then helped her mama dearest find an outfit for Vegas. Which in my eyes was the trickiest task to do cause she's mad picky! HAHA. So we were there for about idk, 2 hours in the same place. & today my sister and I got into some childish fight, if you ask me, which was all started by her leading me not to be able to go to Freehold today -___________- Ugh! I'm seriously not even gonna aknowledge her for awhile, she seriously pissed me the fuck off by canceling on me. Asajhadjhakdjhaksj! Lates!<3

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
But i'm doin it
It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret
But i know if i could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken

What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
And never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

So done with it.

And foreal, I'm done. I don't want anything to do with your ass anymore, I'm just so through. You can love whoever you please, adore any girl you choose, brag about it on your aways, I'm through. You're off my aim, you're off my Facebook, you're off my MySpace. Don't wanna see it, don't wanna be aware. You've pushed me way too far, and I can't put up with the bullshit you have to offer me. You sicken me, first of all, this girl you considered your "little sister", is your new lover now? SICK MOTHAFUCKIN' ASS. I swear >_> Well either way, I'm through. You can't do shit for your life, and honestly, I don't wanna even have faith in us anymore. You threw all our memories down the drain like it never made you who you are today, you forgot about everything, and you know what. So will I. What gets me most is you could never have a heart to apologize to me after all you've hurt me with. And I know you know you did. 2 simple words, of, "I'm sorry". I can't keep putting myself into pain over you, because you just don't care. So am I to keep trying for someone who doesn't bother. With all that time wasted, it could be for someone who is willing to love me like I deserve to be. So you know what, goodbye to you. Almost 3 months, I've been thinking you could come around. Fuck, I'm stupid huh? Well enjoy your life, with your new girls, and anything else I missed. Just goodbye :)

Saywhat, second chances?

Consider me a stupidfuck, I'll write that on a "Hello My Name Is.." sticker and put it on my forehead, yeah? ;) Haha, nah. But I just gotta say, I feel so stupid. Who am I to reconsider something with someone who aims to hurt me all the time. To make me feel bad, and feeds off it. To mark my every move, and note himself to do something better. Who am I to even think about forgiving someone like that. I guess you could give a second chance, but to me, second chances are only meant for those that are worth it. You talk, and talk, and talk, but you don't move or prove shit. So how am I suppose to sit here and say, he's worth it. No..you're not. You sit there and I know you aim somehow, to hurt my feelings. I don't know why, just like summer. You're sick, you really are. I've had enough honestly, you hook up with someone 2 weeks after the bullshit you put me through, give her our anniversery, you sick, sick, fuck. And yeah, you may talk, you may say things behind my back that you'd think make me smile. Sure, they make me think, but when it comes down to it, you show nothing. How am I to accept shit, if I don't see shit from you, YOUrself. I've done major thinking today to put all this into words. I can't sit here and guess your thoughts, so now, it's whatever. Do what you may please, hook up with whoever, if you think it makes me want you more, it only makes me want you less. If you're okay with that, then yeah, it's all good for you. I'm someone who believes through doing, not seeing. Easy girls may be the ones you can get the hearts of, but you already know, I'm not like that. I'm, different. Period.

Forget about me, I love you <3

Aka, family :)

So I'll be real though and say I never understood what that phrase meant, I'd be like, forget about who ha what? AND now haha I see, the first letters yeah yeah = family :) But the reason I'm doing this now, is because I've come to a realization on how much I love my family. Especially today. Okay, so, I excluded 2 family members. I know, kinda harsh, but they aren't family to me at all. Those up there however, are. The top right and bottom right may not be blood family, but they're inlaws :) And even if they weren't, I'd still consider them family after all we've been through haha. These are the people who I know will be there for the rest of my life, and I know it. Even though I know there will be points in my life I'll wish they weren't, they still will be. NOMATTER how sick I get of them. But then, at the end of every day, I can't be anymore thankful to have them around. Each one has a reason to be my hero, so all together, they make up one savior. HAHA. Mama, the head honcho. Slow, but bo$$, lmao. Brothers, whom remind me that life's too short to be down, live it up, make money, and be independent. Because apparently, "guys love that kind of girl". Basically, ALWAYS tellin' me to do it like guys do, and be tough inside & out, and have some mo'fucking balls HAHA. And then you have the sisters, who give me the right comfort when I need it, and the feeling of security. Providing advice, rather than just teaching me to be tough, but real word for word advice through experience. Learning from people with experience is always the best. MmmmmMmmhm. This is way random, but I just decided to say something about how much I appreciate they're there for me, I love 'em to death :) Just had to make a quick note, haha.

On my toes.

"If it's you then you're welcome baby make your way,
come in & save the day"
- Superhero ; Donnellshawn

I know what's going on, don't think I don't. I think one thing that's stayed the same about you, is your strategic self. Seems like you've got a reasoning behind every move you make, haha. Well hey, it's up to you. If you don't wanna step up, then we can stay this way. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut, cause I'm a good friend who can keep a secret :) But like I said, it's your move. Either step up or you don't, it's been awhile, so, do what you choose. I'm not gonna say a word. Just know that I know what I know, & you know what you know. & if those thoughts go together, anything can happen. More than words, keep your coins, I want change.

Mmmmuahaha it's raining out ): Hmm makes me feel tired. But I'm not gonna sleep or nap cause I'm gonna keep my routine up of losing weight for summatime. I'm so pissed, came back from the Philippines & was 100 pounds, now I'm a fatty whose 106 -______- WAH. I had a dream that my cartilage was piereced! Holy mothalovin' shit, I was so happy & then I woke up touching my ear. HAHA. Soon soon, I'm about to ask if I can get it this summer, hopefully. I'ma save the money then ask me mommadukes. Word :D & I can get Ashly to video it lmao. MmMmm gloomy day. Talking to some faggot. Because "only real men wear tight shirts from JcPenneys". Haha, having good friends are golden people. Aight, I'm off this, lates<3

AA <3 & blah anonymous.

Mmmmm. Besteezy came over yesterday & just kicked it :) Haven't really chilled at my house for awhile. Firstly I took a shower while she was on the computer, waited for my hair to dry HAHA. "Is your hair dry NOW?!" HAHAHA I air dry it during the warm days, I don't wanna damage it :) Anyway, then were fat asses and just ate away, apparently all we talk about is food -_______- Lmao. Then I did her make up <3 Then camerawhored a bit, word. Cough, Facebook, yeah ? Haha :) I honestly don't know what I'd do with out her, she's my half f'real. Through out everything. "Wells Fargo" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA <3 OH fucking man. I love you besteezy Ashly :)

I felt like doing some to the anonymous. I like doing this stuff, sometimes.

Dear You,
Fuck off. Sorry, excuse my French. But don't ask about me, get a life. I told you to forget about it, I really have nothing to do with you. In all truth, I really am fine without you. Only you in general, you made no impact in my life, we only went at it for like a week, I don't give a about you aight? And don't go off saying shit, "Ha, her and her jealousy issues" Excuse me? What jealousy issues faggot, I wouldn't be talking after some texts you sent me. Thank God I made the right choice 'bout your ass :) Keep my name outta your mouth, and we'll all be in peace. K, thank you love.

Dear You,
All I can say to you, you, is I'm not stupid. I know you've known me well, but if you remember, I always figure things out. That's all.

Now I know what you're about.

Just listen to that first song on my playlist. It explains everything rather than me typing it all out haha. Lazy mood ! -______________- Haha mmmmmmk, bye bye :)

PS. English class has become my LIFE <3 Muahahaha. Okay, bye.

Ouchie.

Firstly, A Year From Now by Across Five Aprils is hella good. HELLA freakang good.

Okay, so I finally got around re piercing my second ear holes. HAHAHA it's so embaressing really, I've had em done twice and they always closed up on me cause I'd take out the diamond too early in the process. NOW, f'real I'm NOT gonna take it out as fast. Probably because I'm proud of my work ;) Through the ice dripping down my shirt just so I could numb my damn ears, to the nonstop bleeding lmao. Good work good work, I pat myself on the back muahaha :) And if anyone really thinks I'm that stupid, I'm not, I've sanitized almost everything nonstop haha, just in case >____< But I guess the real reason I did this is because I was thinking about the day I get my belly button pierced, hopefully on my 16th birthday. It just came to me, then I start thinking hella hard about it, and then I realized how my second ear holes closed up on me for the second damn TIME! & I was like, "Shit.." cause my mom would probably say no to the belly button if she saw I didn't even care for my ear ones. So I was even more "Shit shit shit!" & I just re pierced them 10 minutes ago HAHA. Can't let mamabear down on this one, for I really am excited about my belly button & doing anything it takes to prove it to her. So, word :) Hahahahaha.

Miss meh? And some real talk.

So, damn. Miss meh? HAHA. Sikenaw, I'm not that big on blogging as I used to be anymore thats why I haven't really updated. Well it's probably just a phase, but I think I'm sure on this one. Maybe I'll just keep this for the summatime use, coming up soon :) But I guess it's also cause if you really cared about my life or me in general, you'd read this but if you cared more than that and were logical, you'd talk to me, IM me, comment me, whatever and catch up and chill whatever ;) Haablahblahblah. I honestly don't know what to say with this. I guess I'm done with kinda letting out personal details of my life, but then again there are days I just feel like venting. Some girls have diaries, but my hands and the keyboard are like the hands with a pen. I can't write for shit, it's annoying muahaha. So I blog :) Soo, I guess I did log on this for a reason today. It's such a beautiful day out, ALMOST like a summer afternoon, excluding the hotness. I think the temperature is just perfect outside, and the breeze is relaxing. Meeee love :) & while I was outside, I guess I got brought back by them summer nights. Sneaking you through my fence door, carefully sneaking you back out. All within an 11:00 PM 12:30 AM nightspan HAHA. Aw, man :) I was laughing & smiling like a retart to myself. Then I just sat outisde, reminiscing. Realizing whats done is done, righ' ? I guess. You've moved on, we're so far away from who you & I once were. I laugh cause while I was outside, it was the summer I was bitching about how "you left me for 2 weeks!", and now here I am & it's been 2 months. Damn, haha. I just laugh it off, for I never knew it would end up like this. I still wonder what if we never went wrong, and if you never fell for her. I just wish I saw it coming, it was smack dab in front of my face. You kept declining being with me, because you fell for someone else in the process. I just wish you told me you were tired of me, and you had found someone now or something. Yeah, truth hurts, but truth is truth and I'd rather have it then see all the lies in front of my face. BUT!

Once again, whats done is done. It's been a long time comin', especially for you & I. Summer is almost here, and I hope to make this one enough to forget the last one. Only because it consisted of memories that no longer have meaning to me, even though once in awhile, I still wish it did. I still catch myself wondering where did you & I go wrong, but I know you know where, but I don't. Cause then again, I don't even wanna know, yaknow? :) Real talk aha. Wellllll! Ah, summer summer summer. We shall meet very soon & till then! Lates<3

You & I, we have nothing but the future to make better, build up from now, & leave all the booshit behind
:)