Whatevs'.

Lately, I've just been so fed up with lots of things. Not everything, but most of it. I needa' get outta here, escape somewhere. I'm starting to get sick of the past, which just isn't getting past. I hate remembering how you & I were so...I hate to say it, but, perfect for a solid moment in time. Before you had to f it all up, yeah? All in all things are just a blurr to me, I really don't get what to do. But whatever, I'll pick myself up like I always do & deal. You can't have a rainbow, without the rain. Or something like that, hahaha it was some quote I used to love. I've been stuck tryna figure things out when honestly I don't wanna figure out anymore. You & I have come and gone, we had our time, now it's just done for. As for the rest, it's whatever, lifes gonna get better, I feel it. Just as of right now, I gotta deal with the confusion and keep on makin' my way through.

Blurry vision.

I still can't believe what went down, I'm still disappointed that I've gotta do what I gotta do now. Sometimes you're scared to back out alone, but it's whatever, cos this is seriously messed up. I'm still hurt, really hurt matta' fact, that I had this clear vision for you & me. When I say I gave it every last I had in me, I really really did. To think you were serious this time too. Surprisingly I slept like a baby last night, thank God! Shooooot. Hah. You say you've changed, and you're still in the process of a "better you", but all I wish was you actually did try when we had a chance. Turn back to last summer, where you said the same words, & when I actually still had my heart open for you. Now it's so hard, even impossible, everytime I think of you it literaly hurts. This is the first time I felt this way, frrreal. Even in those three months I was still able to think about you, smile at our memories, laugh at reminiscing. Now I can't even bare to, the vision of you & her, damn, wtf, I feel so cheated on for some reason. I can't even bare to think how it all went down, how you acted, what you said to her, how you felt at those moments, WOW seriously -_____- Whatevs, it's all so pointless to me now, if SHE could get you, then wtf was I. It's all bull, honestly. Just a third wheel I was is all, the girl who was nice enough to always give you her heart no matter how many times it was only you who broke it and abused it. Now I've had it, I'm done, I can't stand it anymore. To top it off, you DON'T change when it mattered to me most. I don't get it, whatev. Whatever, I don't care anymore. Lates.

http://www.myspace.com/671preach
Don't You Remember - Preach ft Lino
nonstop listening, for the ending is my favorite.
if only someone could download it into playlist! haah -_-
wow i'm a dork.

"It's all just a buncha' bullish"

Gonna do my own thing, I'm flyin' solo.

"Gonna learn from my pain, never explain, do it my way,
that's what i say."

I can't believe this. I can't. Just when I learn to love and give you a chance again, something pops up. Sometimes I question God why the heck this always happens to me, why can't anything just stay put at being good. It all hurts so bad, for countless of reasons. The main one is for 3 months, I suffered, I cried, everything, just to reach a point of being okay again. When I finally did, life became easier. Then you come back, starting over, and I gave in only because my heart kept telling me to go with it. Plus living with grudges only makes you angry everyday, gives you something to be pissed about when you wake up, tense muscles. Forgiving gives you ability to smile, and have a stress free life. & so I did. Things were going so well, so nice, I finally thought this could work. It was the last chance I gave it. And of course, it gets screwed up. I'm beginning to see that it probably means something now. I'm fucking dissapointed at you, and myself. I just hate how I was so excited, looking forward to starting over. I should face it, what we had is what we had, it's time I move on. To someone who actually is right for me, won't stoop so low on my ass. Like freal! Wtf is that. You just don't understand what you've done, you don't yet. You're just a blurr to me now. I can't even picture myself with you anymore. All my hopes, happiness, and excitement of doing so just went down the drain. Incest. And you lil' girl same thing for you. Damn, both of you are fucked up in the head. What makes it worse is I know what you really did. No matter how much you're tryna' come off you didn't do shit, I'm wiser than that. I saw it for myself, my proof is right in front of me. Fuckin' fed up with liars. I mean yeah, I hate cheaters, but when you're already caught, have common sense and at least be somehow good and just admit what you've done. Just seriously now, I'm fuckin' fed up with liars. Fed up already.

Bad day, bad luck.

UGH! Today wasn't that bad, but I definitely wasn't a lucky ducky. The morning started out fine, woke up to see mamadukes car in the driveway meaning I had extra time to get ready since I wouldn't have to walk. Noice right? Right. Then I had to wear my shirt for English that I proudly just made last night, but it looked pretty damn good. Iron on lettering, colorful, oh yee :) I get to school to find a yummy hot pocket wrapped in foil in my locker :D Thanks..uh..whatever his name was. ( :p ) HAHA. Mhm all was well while it lasted. Then everything went a-wall on me. I needed some extra credit so I go to get my everything in it folder just to find out it wasn't in my locker. I fucking lost it. Hence, my EVERYTHING folder which had errr' lil thing in it. Then I sit down to see the letters on my shirt slowly peeling off, then the damn U finally hit the floor. AND, I realized I left my cell at home. Then in almost every class I couldn't function right 'cos my most needed shit was in that folder. Gah, not good basically. But I guess things turned around by lunch time, 'cos I just created my own version of the extra credit paper, didn't have to present. Meaning I have time to re-do my shirt again :D AND THEN! While Ash wanted a snack I found a 5 dolla bill on the floor! Ye ye ye :) But of course, something bad just HAS to happen again.

I come home from walking w/ Ash to see my cell laying on the kitchen counter. Only screaming one thing: my mother read it. I have nothing in my inbox, maybe in pictures but it's just with him smiling, and yeah. My outbox on the other hand is a different story. ODD ENOUGH, my inbox gets filled up so fast and has a limit, but my outbox doesn't. So my texts date back to Feb. AND UNFORTUNATELY, my sent texts have shit I pray TO GOD she didn't read. Yesterday, I went over Keither McBeaver's early morn' and the day before that has texts saying I will and ye shit you all get the point. AH! :( Damn I hope she didn't read it, 'cos if she did, mm hell yeee I'm screwed. Woop. There goes my summer. Thing is she didn't mention a word about it, and shit like THAT she wouldn't dare to keep in from yelling at me. But who knows...who knows.

*gulp*

"Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks ya down.."

Just get back up, when it knocks ya down. Yee :) Haha whatever tho, I'm getting fed up with this bullshit. I wanna say screw what I said in the last post, but that'd be too mean & not fully true. You make it hard for me to really have hope in us, as if you're always up and down with me. Some days you like me, some days you don't. Do I deserve that shit? Naaaw, I'm too good for games. So our status is whatever to me, 'cos sometimes you be trippin'. I like you yeah, but seriously now, what the fuck -_______- I had a life without you for 3 months, no way am I gettin' sucked up into the life of shattered hope. I hope, sometimes, guys weren't suck dicks. I know you all agree HAHA. But that's the jist of life. I don't wanna be here anymore. Days like these won't last forever. You'll be in college and I know you'll eye someone new. I just know, thats who you natrually are no matter what shit you say to me. & regaurdless, I'll never know. So that's why I'm giving myself a heads up now, so when the time comes, I can brush it off. I'm flying solo, still awaiting patiently for a someone to give my heart to and knowing they won't break it into pieces. Trust, loyalty, and honesty. Word.

I can't wait to start my MAC palette! :) Hopefully I'll be successful in depotting eyeshadows, I ain't gonna waste 14.50 and then end up shattering it. Man, I've become a MAC addict. Although, summer has made it's way and I stopped wearing foundation. Too heavy,when I don't need coverage. I've been using a tinted moisturizer, which has basically no coverage, good for the skin. It's basically like a mositurizer 'cept with a tint of your skintone. I just needed something super light and can even out my skin tone :) No foundation. Yay! I'm just about to fill out an online application to work at Rita's. I NEEDA JOB. Hopefully they hire me, yadiiiiiiig. I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T :) Haha. Nah, but once I get a steady job I'm finally gonna get me a Hello Kitty Debit Card in Bank of America :D Sooooo excited!

it's always you.

Sometimes I can't believe you & I are talking again. but I'm happy :) To me it's as if no matter who we go with, we'll always feel that us together is the best option. Just you & I as a team basically, even though we can piss the shit out of each other almost 24/7 haha :) Sure, we found ourselves a good one to ride with for the moment, but only to find out they didn't suit us as much as we suited each other. We may not be "together" right now, but for whatever, I'm down. Although, I hope you are willing to change your ways. I mean I know you are but hopefully it'll stick, cause babyboy you really piss me the hell of with yo arrogant behavior here and there. Haha :) ANYWAYS! This weekend was chill. Ashly's party yesterday, there the whole day and did whatever. Spent some time with mamadukes, brother and his girlfriend today. Buffet up at Freehold, HELLA DAMN GOOD O_O Mang oh mang, I reccomend it. & the sushi boy was eyeing me. I'm like >_> Fuck off. Hahaha. Then went to joyce leslie's solo, picked up some stuff. Including new SHADES :D I love 'em! Freal this time, I mean it. This one is my new baby<3 Mmmm. Pictures? Yeahp. Most of 'em are on Facebook though :) Haha.

So so so, def.

Hahaha. Life's hit a point of satisfaction :) To admit though, things are a little rocky with a few at the moment, but somehow maybe thing will patch up. I can't stand your stubbornness anymore! You really are pissing me off. You can be sucha girl sometimes, so manipulative, so, errghhaghh! You've always been that way though. Just understand you can't make my choices for me, and you have a girlfriend so get the fuck over yourself. You shouldn't care THAT much as if you're MY boyfriend to begin with. Ya feeel me?! Just back the hell off, I only like being good friends with you, I care for you only as a friend, not anything more than that. Maybe like a brother, but never as a boyfriend. All in all, just chill, seriously. I'm sick of dealing with your shit sometimes.

Mmmmmmm. I have a dentist appointment in a few. Summers making it's lurvely way in :) Yuumm. I need to do some shopping. I need a new foundation from MAC, Studio Fix has become too heavy for me. I'm going for a natural glow, esp. since it's summer! :) & EVERYONE has seen Sephora and it's grand opening glory this weekend but me! :'( SO unfair. But I like it when they say, "it so reminded me of you and how much you'd be spazzing". HAHAHA :) What can I saaay. But THAT'S SO ON MY LIST RIGHT NOW, I gotta check our Sephora out this weekend. Somehow..SOMEHOW. It's an effing must! This weekend was interesting, cough. Late nights, that's wssup' :)